Electronics and me are like oil and water; bleach and ammonia; baking soda and vinegar. I'm sure there are a plethora of other comparisons to be made but the point is this: God thought it would be a great joke to make me a human electro-magnetic pulse. Why? Who knows. What I DO know is that 9 times out of 10 (this instant being that elusive but safe 10%) my dark gift is manifest in blinking blue screens of death on the computer, system failures, electric shocks, viruses, and all manner of mishaps that Ken blames on me for merely looking at an electronic device.
Perhaps one day we will discover a scientific explanation for all of this like my ability to generate electromagnetic forces that I can't yet control or something in my plasma that allows me to emit light energy blasts. Or maybe...those are just character descriptions from X-Men? I guess we'll never know. For now, keep your electronics hidden because who knows when I'll strike next!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
And Then it Happened Some More
When we got to the hospital we were instantly set up in a triage room. The nurse then had the audacity to ask, "Why are you here?" I knew she was just doing her job but, seriously, are you blind? I'M HAVING A FREAKING BABY! I didn't have the patience to answer any of her questions after she offended me with the first so I remained mute while Ken spoke for me. Meanwhile, down the hall, I could hear a group of nurses chatting and laughing (and quite loudly I might add) which only further kindled my anger. What is this? A party on the third floor PLC prenatal triage unit? Come on people. I am not laughing through this contraction, therefore, you shall not laugh...EVER. These were the type of thoughts running through my brain but I neither had the energy nor the focus to actually speak them out loud. I was preoccupied with other matters like willing my cervix to dilate as quickly as possible.
My Jedi skills must have worked because when the doctor finally came to check me I was 7cm dilated and I had only been in triage for 30 minutes! They asked me if I wanted an epidural but by the time I got to the labour and delivery room I was 8cm dilated so I decided to just go with the pain. Plus, there was no way I would be able to lean over and stay still while they shoved a needle down my back.
Don't think that Ken was doing nothing all that while. Well, actually, he was doing nothing, but that's only because I wouldn't let him touch me or talk to me. I barely even opened my eyes through the whole labour ( I found out afterwards when I looked in the mirror that this was because my eye lids were crazy swollen). However, he did serve as a good water and ice chip boy...which was much appreciated.
Finally the moment came: a 10cm dilation and the urge to push. I was so excited! Little did I know that I would be pushing for an hour and a half. I swear in all the movies, the girl gives like 5 good pushes and the baby's out. Was it so unrealistic to expect the same thing? Push after push the doctor kept saying, "You're almost there." By the 20th push I was convinced that she was a compulsive liar, that the baby's head wasn't "right there" and that they would soon have to suction my poor baby out of my lifeless body. But then, eureka, with one last push, the baby shot out (quite literally) and I was soon holding the most adorable blob of goo and amniotic fluid I had ever seen. After 6 1/2 hours of labour, 25 stitches and a plethora of broken blood vessels, Ken and I were gushing over the newest addition to the family. Introducing Russell Ross Conrad - lately pronounced "Wussell Woss". We're going to give our kid a speech impediment but, hey, he's alive...for now.
J
My Jedi skills must have worked because when the doctor finally came to check me I was 7cm dilated and I had only been in triage for 30 minutes! They asked me if I wanted an epidural but by the time I got to the labour and delivery room I was 8cm dilated so I decided to just go with the pain. Plus, there was no way I would be able to lean over and stay still while they shoved a needle down my back.
Don't think that Ken was doing nothing all that while. Well, actually, he was doing nothing, but that's only because I wouldn't let him touch me or talk to me. I barely even opened my eyes through the whole labour ( I found out afterwards when I looked in the mirror that this was because my eye lids were crazy swollen). However, he did serve as a good water and ice chip boy...which was much appreciated.
Finally the moment came: a 10cm dilation and the urge to push. I was so excited! Little did I know that I would be pushing for an hour and a half. I swear in all the movies, the girl gives like 5 good pushes and the baby's out. Was it so unrealistic to expect the same thing? Push after push the doctor kept saying, "You're almost there." By the 20th push I was convinced that she was a compulsive liar, that the baby's head wasn't "right there" and that they would soon have to suction my poor baby out of my lifeless body. But then, eureka, with one last push, the baby shot out (quite literally) and I was soon holding the most adorable blob of goo and amniotic fluid I had ever seen. After 6 1/2 hours of labour, 25 stitches and a plethora of broken blood vessels, Ken and I were gushing over the newest addition to the family. Introducing Russell Ross Conrad - lately pronounced "Wussell Woss". We're going to give our kid a speech impediment but, hey, he's alive...for now.
J
And Then it Happened
Because I have just undergone a massive life-altering event (the birth of my first child), I find it necessary to chronicle the details of his emergence into the world. And so it begins...
I was due April 29th but had been told numerous times not to expect the baby to come on the actual due date as this was quite an improbablity; only something like 1% of deliveries take place when they are supposed to. Anyways, on the night of April 28th Ken and I settled in for a peaceful night's sleep that would soon prove to be not so peaceful. I experienced a strange dream where I would see myself from a bird's eye view in labour. That might not seem so strange but then throw me into a hospital bed in a meadow full of flowers on top of a mountain being watched by a purple Lynx and suddenly it gets a lot stranger. This dream reoccurred at least four times and on the fourth time, I began to feel this awful and uncomfortable tightening in my lower abdomen - and more precisley, my uterus. The feeling woke me up and at 4:17 am I soon realized that I was having contractions and they were already seven minutes apart!
I waited until I had four regular contractions before I turned to Ken, shook his shoulder and said, "Oh Kenny-boy, we're going to have a baby...like literally...and in the very near future." Normally, it would have taken my sleeping beauty a full five minutes to recover his senses, stretch, yawn, turn over onto his side and rub his eyes before waking from his slumber but this time he threw back the covers, instantly jumped out of bed and cried, "Are we ready? Do we have everything? How far part are the contractions?" while he rummaged around in the desk for a paper and pen to record the contraction times. At this point, the contractions were still light enough that my face was able to register my amusement.
Within an hour the contractions became closer and closer together and more and more uncomfortable until it was time to make that ancient and well-travelled journey: the trek to the hospital.
I was due April 29th but had been told numerous times not to expect the baby to come on the actual due date as this was quite an improbablity; only something like 1% of deliveries take place when they are supposed to. Anyways, on the night of April 28th Ken and I settled in for a peaceful night's sleep that would soon prove to be not so peaceful. I experienced a strange dream where I would see myself from a bird's eye view in labour. That might not seem so strange but then throw me into a hospital bed in a meadow full of flowers on top of a mountain being watched by a purple Lynx and suddenly it gets a lot stranger. This dream reoccurred at least four times and on the fourth time, I began to feel this awful and uncomfortable tightening in my lower abdomen - and more precisley, my uterus. The feeling woke me up and at 4:17 am I soon realized that I was having contractions and they were already seven minutes apart!
I waited until I had four regular contractions before I turned to Ken, shook his shoulder and said, "Oh Kenny-boy, we're going to have a baby...like literally...and in the very near future." Normally, it would have taken my sleeping beauty a full five minutes to recover his senses, stretch, yawn, turn over onto his side and rub his eyes before waking from his slumber but this time he threw back the covers, instantly jumped out of bed and cried, "Are we ready? Do we have everything? How far part are the contractions?" while he rummaged around in the desk for a paper and pen to record the contraction times. At this point, the contractions were still light enough that my face was able to register my amusement.
Within an hour the contractions became closer and closer together and more and more uncomfortable until it was time to make that ancient and well-travelled journey: the trek to the hospital.
...to be continued...
-J
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